My generic article, which was actually really fun to write:
10 things I hate about men.
10. They never put the toilet seat back down. Also, residual piss on the toilet rim is not a turn on. Marking your territory is for animals with a lesser degree of intelligence. Do not give us reason to label you as such.
9. Football season. Men are all over you when you are trying to watch Sex and the City re-runs in peace, but God forbid you should so much as ask for a hug during those godforsaken ninety minutes.
8. Men have no qualms about farting in public, but just try and talk about your menstrual cycle to a man. For the record: farts = disgusting. Farts under the bedsheets are even worse. It is not funny when your girlfriend crinkles up her nose and calls you a pig: she means it. Oink!
7. If you invite your girlfriend over to your house, make sure you have shut down your computer, and are not still playing World of Warcraft. We don’t care that you want to get to the next level: obey this rule, or forget the nookie.
6. If your girlfriend subtly hints that she would like a rose for Valentine’s Day, and she is not a complete psycho-bitch, there are no excuses. Don’t try the ‘but flowers die’ line: we’ve all heard that one.
5. Women do not appreciate it when you dismiss their behaviour as PMS if you do not understand it. Also, never say to a women with menstrual cramps, “Don’t make a fuss- the pain can’t be that bad”, unless you want a vice-like grip on your family-jewels as a demonstration of how bad the pain can be.
4. You do not need to manually and very blatantly check that your balls are still attached to your crotch every five minutes. They are still there. You would know if they weren’t.
3. The remote-control is not your birthright.
2. If you are driving and you are lost, calmly roll down the windows and ask the next passer-by for directions. Despite what you think, you are not god, thus not omnipotent; and most men could not read a map to save their life. Spare yourself the I-told-you-so and just ask.
1. Women do not appreciate being made fun of. If you and your girlfriend are out with your friends, you should never, EVER, make fun of her, or try to belittle something she says. It is not cute. It is not endearing. It is valid reason for the vice-like grip mentioned in #5.
10 Brilliant Breakup Lines (For Men and Women)
10. Roses are red; violets are blue; garbage is dumped, and so are you!
9. When I told you I love you I thought I knew what love was all about but now I think I was just having a bad case of gas and not butterflies.
8. The other day I woke up feeling so happy and free: it’s because you weren’t there.
7. I’d like a true beauty so I don’t have to spend so much time photoshopping your ugly face out of my photos.
6. So long, and thanks for all the fish!
5. I was eating breakfast this morning and the thought of spending the rest of my life with you made me regurgitate my Cheerios. Sorry, this won't work.
4. I get so emotional when you are not around. I think the emotion is called ‘happiness’.
3. I lied- size DOES matter.
2. I thought about us in 5 years, and after the projectile vomiting eased, I realized we need to talk.
1. Remember when I asked you out?? Well.... I was talking to the guy behind you.